Becoming a Mum

I love being Olive’s mum. I don’t think I have ever been more content, even with the tiredness of staying up all night (she is only 6 weeks old). But this time last year, I would have laughed if you said this time next year I would have a little baby. But the best things in life happen unexpectedly.

Ok, me and Neil (now my husband) had been having unprotected sex, and I read ‘mummy laid an egg’ as a child, so I am aware of where babies come from, and it really shouldn’t have been a surprise. But that little positive line on my test in Sainsbury’s toilets, the day we moved into our campervan really did take me by surprise. Does everyone feel this surprised when they find out they are pregnant? Or is it disbelief? I don’t know.

A few years ago me and Neil had a conversation where we talked about wanting babies at some point in the future. It had always played on my mind a little, whether I could actually have children – I’m sure it does for a lot of women. So I decided through some strange logic in my brain that if I never actually tried then I can’t be disappointed if I don’t end up getting pregnant? We decided to let nature take it’s course and stop using contraception and then if it happened, it happened. Not actively trying, but also not trying to avoid it.

I’m not sure I was totally ‘ready’, but are you ever truly ready? I was worried that if we waited until we thought we were ready, would we be too late? How do you know when you are ready? Some people try for years to have children only to find out they can’t or they have waited too long.

The first 6 months after we made this decision, I had it at the front of my mind every lead up to my period, looking for signs of pregnancy and almost convincing myself that I was pregnant on a few occasions. The fear of not knowing if I could have children started to get the better of me. It’s not that I wanted a baby right then, I just wanted to know whether I could.

As there is no way of knowing, I started imagining my life without children, just in case we couldn’t. I actually became really okay with the idea after a while. I pictured all the dogs we could adopt, all the travelling we would do.. I even started planning out a dog retirement home I wanted to open in our garden, for all the old dogs who haven’t found a home yet. I will do this one day, it might just be a little later than I thought!

A few years passed, and I pretty much forgot that there was the possibility I might get pregnant any moment. We did some travelling in our campervan and fell in love with Portugal. Shortly after, we started applying for a visa so we could live out there. Neil proposed to me and we made plans for our wedding. We were set to move in October that year.

We were about to move into our van full time, and I started to feel travel sick every time I went in the car (and thought to myself, this is good timing, ready for our road trip?!). I had also been exercising a lot, but my belly was getting bigger. My period was also getting quite late.. Sure enough, the day we moved back into our campervan, I found out I was pregnant!

A mixture of bewilderment, excitement and shock set in. The timing was unbelievable. It meant we would need to postpone moving to Portugal and our wedding (that we had already booked) as it was only a few weeks after our baby’s due date!

At first I did panic that I wasn’t ready. Even though I was 28 I didn’t feel old enough to be a Mum. I didn’t feel ‘mumsy’ enough. The first 3-4 months I felt like this. But by 5 months, I just suddenly felt ready, almost like someone flicked a switch in my brain, and I couldn’t wait to meet her. Turns out you don’t actually need to be any different, as long as you love them. I don’t think of myself any differently to how I did a year ago. For some reason I always thought the day I became a Mum I would suddenly feel like a ‘Mum’. But I just feel exactly the same, except now I carry a little baby with me everywhere I go! Literally. She may as well be glued to me. I love it.

I think in some weird way tricking myself into thinking I couldn’t have a baby gave me a strange sense of peace, and allowed me to just enjoy what we were doing without thinking too much about whether I could or not. Almost like I had my answer, and anything else would be a bonus.

Even though we had to move our wedding, and delay moving to Portugal, I think everything happens for a reason. And Olive came at the perfect time. She made me, ‘Me’ again.